I have never really had any political ambitions. Other than my theory that pretty people are better leaders and should be elected over the ugly, my only other political ambitions are based on fashion atrocities that I think should be banned (i.e. white socks, scrunchies, untailored suits, etc…). But, the one article of clothing I never cease to question why it even exists is sweatpants- seriously, ew. Don’t, just don’t.
Christian Louboutin said it best. “I hate the whole concept of comfort,” he says. “It’s like when people say, ‘Well, we’re not really in love, but we’re in a comfortable relationship.’ You’re abandoning a lot of ideas when you are too into comfort. ‘Comfy’- that’s one of the worst words! I just picture a woman feeling bad, with a big bottle of alcohol, really puffy.”
I’m not sure who thought it would be good idea to create a pant out of thick cotton material, bind the bottom with elastic, and share them with the world. What idiot would create such an ugly concoction and then think it was a good idea to sell it? Whoever they are, I want their name, number and address stat because we’ve got some shit to talk about.
For those of you who disagree with me, and think that being comfortable outweighs the benefits of being an upstanding member of society, here are 9 logical reasons you should boycott sweatpants right this second and to the end of time:
- People will automatically label you as “the poor girl who just got dumped and who is comforting herself with Nicholas Sparks movies and a few pints of chunky monkey.” It doesn’t matter if it’s true, just don’t have them thinking it is.
- Nobody believes you are going to work out. Everyone wears track pants, running shorts or yoga pants now- people stopped wearing sweatpants to the gym in the 90s.
- Your wrinkled dress at the bottom of your laundry hamper, with the mustard stain down the front of it, STILL looks better than a pair of sweat pants.
- There is nothing that you can pair with sweatpants to make them look even kind-0f stylish and not like you just rolled out of bed (which you probably did).
- Everyone will probably assume that you’ve been gaining weight and none of your other clothes fit. It’s a awful thing to think, but it is true.
- Mean Girls taught us that wearing sweatpants in the wrong situation, will make you lose all your friends.
- You probably don’t remember the last time they were washed, and you couldn’t care less about your shitty pair of sweats.
- Other people wear proper pants; pants with buttons and zippers, so you should too. It’s only fair to them and the rest of society.
- You are not Justin Bieber. If you wear them hanging halfway down your rear (even if it is accidentally) people will think that you’re a huge douchebag.
Do everyone a favor and forget about the sweatpants- they aren’t worth the trouble.