We all have those people in our lives that we love to call a slut on the daily. It’s hard not to, slut is such an endearing term; plus, it makes you feel better about your poor life choices when you include others in your slut-squad. The hard part about labeling others as a “slut” is that everyone you have labeled is drastically different from everyone else. Let me clarify something for you- the reason why everyone can be labeled as a slut is because there are many different “slut categories”- I discover a new one every day.
These are the most common species of slut that I’ve discovered during my time in college:
The Prude Slut: This species of slut always brags about their hot make out sessions, or what they would do to Ryan Gossling if they ever met him in a dark alley- but we all know they would never follow through with any of it. They are usually virgins or very inexperienced within the sex-spectrum (aka the “sextrum”). They are always fun to party with because you know you generally will have a better chance of getting with someone because you will put out and they won’t. It’s nice to keep them around because it helps you feel like you still have some innocence left- even though everyone knows this isn’t true.
The Classy Slut: These are the friends we can clearly see, in our minds eye, getting it on while they sip on a glass of wine. Even though they may be very casual and explicit about their sexuality, there is no way we could ever think little of them for it. They have high standards and won’t settle- they are calm, confident and let themselves indulge in the finer things of life.
The Closet Slut: We all have that person that we know is secretly freaky, but nobody really knows for sure. These people are usually quiet, and get a very smug look whenever the topic of sex is brought up. These sluts know that it’s important they never disclose what they do behind closed doors because they would be judged for it. Your relationship with a closet slut is probably comparable to that of a younger sibling; you know they’re an adult, but you’d like to remain ignorant than know just what they are capable of.
The Alcoholic Slut: This is the kind of slut that is the most fun. They are your average joe during the day, but once they get a little tequila in their system their night turns into a real life Magic Mike/Playboy Bunny montage. Don’t worry, they won’t remember anything they did in the morning, and they will have all their dignity intact. Blame it on the shots of patron or multiple cocktails- they didn’t have any control.
The Bitchy Slut: This person is the kind of slut you would expect to be into some serious S&M. They spend most of their slutty moments pressuring others into making bad decisions. They do this by getting everyone to think of being pure is a waste of time and boring. These sluts can either be super fun to hang out with, or they are the ones you avoid like the plague.
The Proud Slut: This is our favorite kind of slut. No matter how bad we feel about our life decisions, we know this person will always be able to one-up our sexscapades (sexual escapades). These are the people that you can always count on to make you feel innocent again because they will proudly tell you the stories of their sluttiest moments. Odds are, their sluttiest moments happened in a public place, and they’ve been kicked out of bars because they are way too indulgent in their sexual fantasies. These are the people you will tell stories about for years to come.
The Whore Slut: These are the dirty sluts who have nothing going for them. They probably carry multiple STDs, and are the type of person you wouldn’t want to be caught hanging out with.
There are all kinds of sluts in this world; which one are you?