Puppies as a Fashion Accessory

08ab717926a256fabb217081a956b7beOkay, listen up bitches! I know that all of you think you’re hot shit like Paris Hilton or Coleen Rooney, but news flash- you’re not. The nice thing about being a celebrity, is that you don’t have to be the one who trains, cleans up after, walks and spends quality time with your pet; they have “people for that.” You, on the other hand, are too poor to afford anything more than a cheap Fendi bag knock-off, let alone a sweet little dog.

walk.jpgI know, it’s fun to pretend like we are rich and fabulous, but we should never go as far as to hurt another living being because of our fantasies. Today, there are many shelters that are full of “purse” dogs because all you trendy bitches think you can handle a puppy, but soon realize that you can’t. Many of these dogs have developed, what I like to call, PLBS (prissy little bitch syndrome). Dogs with PBLS refuse to walk; instead, they sit there like a potato until someone picks them up and carries them- entitled little bitches.

If you don’t have the time or financial ability to care for a dog- don’t get one, dumbass.

For those of you who can handle a dog, these are some of the most popular “purse” dogs, and what kind of statement they will make about you.


Toy Poodle:
Owners of these dogs are usually sincere, fun loving, and loyal. Owners of these dogs take pride in their appearance, are very neat and keep very orderly homes. They are very versatile and can enjoy evenings in with a bottle of wine or a night out partying on the town. Usually with a short temper, both dog and owner are one the prissier matches you will meet.

yorkie-dog-1-250x333Yorkie: Yorkie owners usually possess a good sense of humor, and are always down for a good time. Both the dog and owner have a lot of love to give, but they aren’t easily trusting and don’t just invite anyone into the house- you gotta earn it first. Once you’ve proven yourself worthy, both the Yorkie and its owner will be your life-long friend.

Shih Tzu: These dogs are sweet, respectful, and gentle. Owners of this breed are charming, trustworthy, affectionate, and highly intelligent. Shih Tzu owners are said to lead busy lives but put spending time with their family first. They maintain a group of close lifelong friends, which they much prefer to spending time with strangers.

cute-wiener-dog-beach-pool-party-1024x682Weiner: Weiners are stubborn and brave, often acting as if invincible. When owners of weiners want something, they don’t give up until they get it. Every weiner dog has quirks that it develops; if you observe carefully, you will notice that many of these funny habits have been adopted by the dog from the owner. They can sometimes be bossy and often dislike not getting their own way.

BruiserChihuahua: If you have a chihuahua, you might as well carry around a big sign that says, “Hello, I’m in a sorority and I love fro-yo.” Ever since Legally Blonde, this breed of dog has become closely associated to everything pink and ditzy. These dogs and their owners dominate the Beverly Hills scene; how could they not with that prissy personality, constant need for attention and a love for accessories. Just as the owner will hardly ever be caught without a caramel macchiato in hand, a chihuahua will always need its daily puppuccino fix.

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How to Taste Wine Correctly, Basically

Wine braLet’s be honest- not many of us are going to be special enough that we are ever going to be in a situation where we need to know how to properly taste wine. Most of you are probably only going to need to know how to pair wine with dinner, or how much you can drink before you get drunk and lose your shit.

However, if you (like me) enjoy thinking you are better than everyone else, then you need to act the part. For basic bitches like us, we don’t know how to live within our means. We always max out our credit cards so that no one would ever guess we don’t have money to burn- now, all that’s left to do is act like we are as rich as we think we are. Tasting wine is an art, and it’s something that rich people have been doing since they stopped shitting in their diaper (at least I think they did).

Wine smile

Getting good at tasting wine takes time, but practice makes perfect! So, bust out a few bottles of wine with your friends, put together a charcuterie board and begin practicing so that you can impress people with fat wallets who will one day- hopefully- be paying off your mountain of credit card debt.

See: The first thing you need to do is look at the wine and observe what is going on. What color is it? Is it cloudy or clear? Does anything appear to be suspended in the wine?

Swirl: Begin to swirl your wine- gently- up onto the sides of your glass. This increases the surface area of the wine and allows it to breathe; more air means a stronger aroma.

Smell: Next, smell your wine. Is there a fruity aroma? Does it smell spicy like cinnamon or vanilla? Is it oaky and earthy? What makes this scent unique?

Sip: Take a sip of your wine, and move it around in your mouth. Different areas of the tongue taste different things, so when you move wine around in your mouth you will gain a better understanding of the flavor. Is the wine sweet or dry? What flavors do you taste? You will probably taste things that are similar to what you smelled.

Judgy wineSavor: Swallow your wine and see if the flavor changes. How long are these flavors left on your tongue? This step is also referred to as the finish and length of the wine.

Snob: Lastly, act like a little bit of a snob. Don’t be afraid to comment on your experience and ask others what they thought. After all, those who have nothing to say aren’t anything special. If you have nothing to say, nod and agree with what everyone else says.

Signs You Are “So Over” This Semester

1. You no longer read any of your class material, and the term “assigned reading” is the biggest joke you’ve ever heard.

bey laughing

2. You have already calculated your final GPA based on the future assignments you are willing to do.

calculate

3. You come home grocery shopping with more alcohol than you do anything else.

shopping

4. Netflix has become the love of your life and the number one priority.

netflix love

5. Every morning you are faced with the decision to shower before class or to sleep in… You obvi sleep in.

sleep

6. School work becomes impossible to complete because you’d rather sit on the couch and do nothing.

Couch

7. You wonder if people actually get caught for plagiarism and debate whether or not you should try it.

Don't know

8. Coffee can’t even help you anymore.

Help.gif

9. Your bedroom reflects your life- it’s a hot mess.

life mess

10. Everyone and everything stresses the shit out of you.

stressing me out

11. The money in your bank account… it’s pitiful…

Poor

12. Drinking by yourself sounds more appealing than ever before.

my self

13. You question your sanity on a daily basis.

crazy

14. Your own happiness seems elusive.

Kenye

15. You often wonder how much it would have cost for you to pay a nerd to take the class for you at the beginning of the semester.

Nerd

16. You have created collaborative group text dedicated to planning for brunch instead of going to class.

Brunch

17. And when a friend bails on brunch to go to class, you’re like:

rooting for you

18. People who are still trying to do well in school really piss you off.

bitch