Puppies as a Fashion Accessory

08ab717926a256fabb217081a956b7beOkay, listen up bitches! I know that all of you think you’re hot shit like Paris Hilton or Coleen Rooney, but news flash- you’re not. The nice thing about being a celebrity, is that you don’t have to be the one who trains, cleans up after, walks and spends quality time with your pet; they have “people for that.” You, on the other hand, are too poor to afford anything more than a cheap Fendi bag knock-off, let alone a sweet little dog.

walk.jpgI know, it’s fun to pretend like we are rich and fabulous, but we should never go as far as to hurt another living being because of our fantasies. Today, there are many shelters that are full of “purse” dogs because all you trendy bitches think you can handle a puppy, but soon realize that you can’t. Many of these dogs have developed, what I like to call, PLBS (prissy little bitch syndrome). Dogs with PBLS refuse to walk; instead, they sit there like a potato until someone picks them up and carries them- entitled little bitches.

If you don’t have the time or financial ability to care for a dog- don’t get one, dumbass.

For those of you who can handle a dog, these are some of the most popular “purse” dogs, and what kind of statement they will make about you.


Toy Poodle:
Owners of these dogs are usually sincere, fun loving, and loyal. Owners of these dogs take pride in their appearance, are very neat and keep very orderly homes. They are very versatile and can enjoy evenings in with a bottle of wine or a night out partying on the town. Usually with a short temper, both dog and owner are one the prissier matches you will meet.

yorkie-dog-1-250x333Yorkie: Yorkie owners usually possess a good sense of humor, and are always down for a good time. Both the dog and owner have a lot of love to give, but they aren’t easily trusting and don’t just invite anyone into the house- you gotta earn it first. Once you’ve proven yourself worthy, both the Yorkie and its owner will be your life-long friend.

Shih Tzu: These dogs are sweet, respectful, and gentle. Owners of this breed are charming, trustworthy, affectionate, and highly intelligent. Shih Tzu owners are said to lead busy lives but put spending time with their family first. They maintain a group of close lifelong friends, which they much prefer to spending time with strangers.

cute-wiener-dog-beach-pool-party-1024x682Weiner: Weiners are stubborn and brave, often acting as if invincible. When owners of weiners want something, they don’t give up until they get it. Every weiner dog has quirks that it develops; if you observe carefully, you will notice that many of these funny habits have been adopted by the dog from the owner. They can sometimes be bossy and often dislike not getting their own way.

BruiserChihuahua: If you have a chihuahua, you might as well carry around a big sign that says, “Hello, I’m in a sorority and I love fro-yo.” Ever since Legally Blonde, this breed of dog has become closely associated to everything pink and ditzy. These dogs and their owners dominate the Beverly Hills scene; how could they not with that prissy personality, constant need for attention and a love for accessories. Just as the owner will hardly ever be caught without a caramel macchiato in hand, a chihuahua will always need its daily puppuccino fix.

How to Taste Wine Correctly, Basically

Wine braLet’s be honest- not many of us are going to be special enough that we are ever going to be in a situation where we need to know how to properly taste wine. Most of you are probably only going to need to know how to pair wine with dinner, or how much you can drink before you get drunk and lose your shit.

However, if you (like me) enjoy thinking you are better than everyone else, then you need to act the part. For basic bitches like us, we don’t know how to live within our means. We always max out our credit cards so that no one would ever guess we don’t have money to burn- now, all that’s left to do is act like we are as rich as we think we are. Tasting wine is an art, and it’s something that rich people have been doing since they stopped shitting in their diaper (at least I think they did).

Wine smile

Getting good at tasting wine takes time, but practice makes perfect! So, bust out a few bottles of wine with your friends, put together a charcuterie board and begin practicing so that you can impress people with fat wallets who will one day- hopefully- be paying off your mountain of credit card debt.

See: The first thing you need to do is look at the wine and observe what is going on. What color is it? Is it cloudy or clear? Does anything appear to be suspended in the wine?

Swirl: Begin to swirl your wine- gently- up onto the sides of your glass. This increases the surface area of the wine and allows it to breathe; more air means a stronger aroma.

Smell: Next, smell your wine. Is there a fruity aroma? Does it smell spicy like cinnamon or vanilla? Is it oaky and earthy? What makes this scent unique?

Sip: Take a sip of your wine, and move it around in your mouth. Different areas of the tongue taste different things, so when you move wine around in your mouth you will gain a better understanding of the flavor. Is the wine sweet or dry? What flavors do you taste? You will probably taste things that are similar to what you smelled.

Judgy wineSavor: Swallow your wine and see if the flavor changes. How long are these flavors left on your tongue? This step is also referred to as the finish and length of the wine.

Snob: Lastly, act like a little bit of a snob. Don’t be afraid to comment on your experience and ask others what they thought. After all, those who have nothing to say aren’t anything special. If you have nothing to say, nod and agree with what everyone else says.

Signs You Are “So Over” This Semester

1. You no longer read any of your class material, and the term “assigned reading” is the biggest joke you’ve ever heard.

bey laughing

2. You have already calculated your final GPA based on the future assignments you are willing to do.

calculate

3. You come home grocery shopping with more alcohol than you do anything else.

shopping

4. Netflix has become the love of your life and the number one priority.

netflix love

5. Every morning you are faced with the decision to shower before class or to sleep in… You obvi sleep in.

sleep

6. School work becomes impossible to complete because you’d rather sit on the couch and do nothing.

Couch

7. You wonder if people actually get caught for plagiarism and debate whether or not you should try it.

Don't know

8. Coffee can’t even help you anymore.

Help.gif

9. Your bedroom reflects your life- it’s a hot mess.

life mess

10. Everyone and everything stresses the shit out of you.

stressing me out

11. The money in your bank account… it’s pitiful…

Poor

12. Drinking by yourself sounds more appealing than ever before.

my self

13. You question your sanity on a daily basis.

crazy

14. Your own happiness seems elusive.

Kenye

15. You often wonder how much it would have cost for you to pay a nerd to take the class for you at the beginning of the semester.

Nerd

16. You have created collaborative group text dedicated to planning for brunch instead of going to class.

Brunch

17. And when a friend bails on brunch to go to class, you’re like:

rooting for you

18. People who are still trying to do well in school really piss you off.

bitch

The 7 Kinds of Sluts You’ll Meet in College

Good Morning SlutsWe all have those people in our lives that we love to call a slut on the daily. It’s hard not to, slut is such an endearing term; plus, it makes you feel better about your poor life choices when you include others in your slut-squad. The hard part about labeling others as a “slut” is that everyone you have labeled is drastically different from everyone else. Let me clarify something for you- the reason why everyone can be labeled as a slut is because there are many different “slut categories”- I discover a new one every day.

These are the most common species of slut that I’ve discovered during my time in college:

The Prude Slut: This species of slut always brags about their hot make out sessions, or what they would do to Ryan Gossling if they ever met him in a dark alley- but we all know they would never follow through with any of it. They are usually virgins or very inexperienced within the sex-spectrum (aka the “sextrum”). They are always fun to party with because you know you generally will have a better chance of getting with someone because you will put out and they won’t. It’s nice to keep them around because it helps you feel like you still have some innocence left- even though everyone knows this isn’t true.

Sophisticated and SluttyThe Classy Slut: These are the friends we can clearly see, in our minds eye, getting it on while they sip on a glass of wine. Even though they may be very casual and explicit about their sexuality, there is no way we could ever think little of them for it. They have high standards and won’t settle- they are calm, confident and let themselves indulge in the finer things of life.

The Closet Slut: We all have that person that we know is secretly freaky, but nobody really knows for sure. These people are usually quiet, and get a very smug look whenever the topic of sex is brought up. These sluts know that it’s important they never disclose what they do behind closed doors because they would be judged for it. Your relationship with a closet slut is probably comparable to that of a younger sibling; you know they’re an adult, but you’d like to remain ignorant than know just what they are capable of.

Pink wine sluttyThe Alcoholic Slut: This is the kind of slut that is the most fun. They are your average joe during the day, but once they get a little tequila in their system their night turns into a real life Magic Mike/Playboy Bunny montage. Don’t worry, they won’t remember anything they did in the morning, and they will have all their dignity intact. Blame it on the shots of patron or multiple cocktails- they didn’t have any control.

The Bitchy Slut: This person is the kind of slut you would expect to be into some serious S&M. They spend most of their slutty moments pressuring others into making bad decisions. They do this by getting everyone to think of being pure is a waste of time and boring. These sluts can either be super fun to hang out with, or they are the ones you avoid like the plague.

Fat SlutThe Proud Slut: This is our favorite kind of slut. No matter how bad we feel about our life decisions, we know this person will always be able to one-up our sexscapades (sexual escapades). These are the people that you can always count on to make you feel innocent again because they will proudly tell you the stories of their sluttiest moments. Odds are, their sluttiest moments happened in a public place, and they’ve been kicked out of bars because they are way too indulgent in their sexual fantasies. These are the people you will tell stories about for years to come.

The Whore Slut: These are the dirty sluts who have nothing going for them. They probably carry multiple STDs, and are the type of person you wouldn’t want to be caught hanging out with.

There are all kinds of sluts in this world; which one are you?

My Top 3 Drinking Games

Tay Laut Pong.gifStrip or Dare Beer Pong: In Strip or Dare Beer Pong, you play just like regular beer pong except that once you down your drink you must choose to either strip or dare. If you choose strip you must remove an article of clothing… duh! If you choose dare you can then read the dare at the bottom of your cup. You must either complete it or take the penalty drinks. You can create your own strip or dare beer pong game easily, you just need:

  1. Labels
  2. Markers
  3. Cups
  4. Pong balls
  5. and… Alcohol!

 

Cheers

Drink Bitch!: Deal a single card to each player and place the rest of the pile in the center of your group. Each player takes turns to flip through the deck and;

  1. If one of the cards is the same as his/her card, the player must take ten drinks. (eg. your king and a king in the deck.)
  2. If the card is ranked next to your card you take 5 drinks. (eg. you have a king and you draw either queen or ace from the deck.)
  3. When the deck is done, start over.
  4. The last person drinking wins- and everyone else are bitches…

 

King’s Cup: This game is always a classic. Have a big cup or chalice (I usually use a big flower vase) and set it in the center of the table. Fan out a deck of cards- face down- around the empty cup and gather everyone around. Each player goes around the circle and draws a card. Every card has a rule attached to it; here are the traditional rules, but feel free to invent your own:

  1. Aces: an ace means it’s time to “waterfall”. This starts with everyone chugging. Then the person who picked the card can stop whenever he/she wants. This allows the next person to stop when he/she wants and so on and so on. Aces are great because they do a great job at getting everyone plastered, while also providing opportunities to make fun of people who suck at chugging.
  2. Twos: Two has and always will be the classic “you”. This means that whoever picks the 2 card gets to choose anybody they want in the game to drink.
  3. Threes: Three is another staple in Kings Cup, “me”. Pick a 3 and you have to drink.
  4. Boo You WhoreFours: The four card incorporates the ladies by telling them they are “whores” and have to drink.
  5. Fives: Bust a jive. One of the best. The person who picks the card has to do a dance move (my go-to is always the bend and snap). Then the next person has to do that dance move and add to it. This continues until someone screws up and has to drink. Any time you can get drunken uncoordinated people dancing you have to do it.
  6. Sixes: Six is “dicks” All the guys prove that yes they are packing by drinking.
  7. Sevens: Seven equals “heaven”. All players reach for the sky. The last person has to drink. Great card when people aren’t paying attention or someone is too drunk to realize a seven was picked.
  8. Eights: Eight is “mate”. The player who picks the card chooses another player to be their mate. This means when one of them drinks they both drink. Perfect for letting the getting even with someone, or letting someone know you think they’re hot and should make bad-drunk decisions with you.
  9. Nines: Nine can either be one of the best or worst cards depending on how creative the group is. It is called “bust a rhyme”. The simple version has the player who picked the card say a word and everybody has to say a word that rhymes with it. Say for example the word is bite. Other players would say fight, kite, tight, right, ect. This goes on until somebody cannot think of a word that rhymes.
  10. Tens: Ten is “categories”. The player who picked the card chooses a category. Then everyone goes around and says something that fits in the category. Good categories to use include types of liquor, sex positions, and types of cereal (there are tons of different cereals). Whoever cannot think of anything in the category has to drink.
  11. Slut OffJacks: This card is the reason to play the game. Jack represents the game “never have I ever.” Everybody puts up 3 to 5 fingers. To start the person who picked the card says something they have never done. Then if you have done it you put your finger down. The game continues around the circle as players continue with more “never have I ever.” The sluts of the group are always the first to loose. Sometimes “never have I ever” gets old because you have done almost everything and can’t think of anything that you have never done. This is when you step up to the next level of the game “I have”. The game is the inverse of “never have I ever”. The player says something they have done. Then if you haven’t done it, you have to put your finger down. This is great if you are proud of your slutty accomplishments.
  12. Queen Flipping OffQueens: Drawing a Queen makes you the “question master”. From that moment on, if anyone answers a question you ask they need to drink. You only stop being the Question Master when someone else draws a queen and takes over your role.
  13. Kings: Finally the King. The player who picks a King gets to “make a rule”. The rule can be anything but must always be followed until another King is picked and the rule is replaced by another. If the rule is not followed the person who broke the rule has to drink. A favorite is making everyone say “in bed” after everything they say, it immediately takes the game in a hornier direction. The first 3 people who pick a King have to pour some of their drink into the cup in the middle. Whoever picks the last King ends the game and loses. This person has to chug whatever is in the Kings Cup.

Three Ways to Pre-Game Like a Pro

Fun = AlcoholGather around my fellow broke-socialites. I know life is hard, money is tight and all you want to do is forget about your problems by going out and partying with some amazing friends and fabulous strangers. There are a couple ways to save money when you have a night on the town, and ensure that the morning after you don’t look at your bank account and start crying. This means you won’t have to turn your fabulous brunch plans into a lonely meal of ramen at your kitchen table. The best two ways to save money are by going out and getting free drinks, or you can do what any realist does and pre-game like a pro.

There is an art to pre-gaming, and it takes some time to be able to figure it out. The reason why this practice is so perfect is because you can spend the rest of your night sipping on wine, vodka sodas or, god forbid, beer. You can continue your buzz, maintain control and spend a lot less if you don’t try to get drunk at the bar. Just show up a little later already at your perfect level.

Here are my top three ways to maximize your pre-game skills:

Betty White Vodka Hobby

1. Know Your Limits: The last thing you want is to go too hard, before you get the chance to have a fun night out, and end up puking your guts out in the Uber, on the side of the road, in the bar or (god forbid) before you leave your house. It’s important to learn how your body functions with different types of alcohol, how much your body can handle and how much/what food will do to your system.

2. Don’t Only Take Shots: By only taking shots, you add t00 much alcohol to your system too quickly. Measuring how much control you’re going to have within the next hour is more easily done when you have a combination mixed drinks, cocktails and shots. Keep your pace steady, and you will be guaranteed to have a fun night.

3. Drink Water: I know this sounds like a bitch-baby move, but drinking water helps regulate your body. Not only will you be able to last longer at a party, but you won’t wake up the next morning feeling like you were trampled by a horse. Water can, and will, make your night on the town a thrilling success.

How To Be More Stylish: getting out of your wardrobe rut

nothingtowearDo you feel like you have terrible taste in fashion? Do you have a bland closet in desperate need of a make over? You’re not alone, don’t worry- there are many people in this world who have need of a fashion guru. The biggest problem with people who have a bad sense of style is that they have the power to fix it. It isn’t hard to revamp your look, and I have a few great tips for doing just that.

1. Clean out your closet: This should be the obvious first step. We all have that section in the back of our closet with clothes we bought because we liked them, but never wear them. They stay in the back because they are usually items that would amp up your usual “comfortable style.”

2. Wear something outside your comfort zone: For me, it was a red blazer that I didn’t wear because it was too scary. One day I finally got up the courage to wear it to a party and everyone commented on how great it was- I felt fabulous. Everyone has that article of clothing that we have seen in the store window but don’t feel like we are good enough to wear it. Ignore those insecurities because you are only as good as you believe you are.

Toilet Store Clothes3. Get rid of your safety net: You will never get out of your fashion rut until you get rid of that article of clothing that is your go-to. It’s that shirt, a pair of pants, skirt, etc., that you wear constantly because it makes you feel safe. What you don’t realize is that it doesn’t make you look good, it makes you look ALMOST OKAY. You’ve probably worn it for several years. Eww, gross- get rid of it. You have the potential to look fabulous if you don’t cling to the past.

4. Try out a new accessory that isn’t a bag or shoes: Bags and shoes are always a statement piece, but everyone has them- so what is going to make you stand out? A new watch, gaudy headphones, a piece of jewelry, a scarf or hat can go a long way. Make a statement with your whole outfit, not just traditional accessories.

5. Buy a crazy pair of shoes: Shoes are one of the best parts of shopping. They always fit, you don’t have to go into an ugly dressing room to see how they look, they will recharge any outfit, and, they are fabulous. Go ahead and buy that unique pair of shoes you pinned last month and have been eyeing ever since- you’ll be surprised at how inspired you’ll  be by your new addition to your closet.

6. Go people watching: Not in the creepy way. Go sit in some trendy coffee shop, a nice restaurant, a bench in a mall- anywhere that you think you’ll get inspiration for a new outfit or theme in your closet. It sounds simple- and it is- it also works every time.

Carrie Bradshaw Closet

7. Try a new pair of sunglasses: Everyone looks cooler with sunglasses on. It’s just a fact. An outfit without sunglasses is like Zac Efron with a shirt. Yes, OK, everything looks very nice the way it is, but … imagine the possibilities if you were to just add (in Zac’s case, subtract) one little thing. It’s just a whole other level of perfection.

8. Switch things up: And I mean that quite literally. When you’re about to leave the house in your favorite T-Shirt and statement accessory, stop for a second and switch one thing about what you’re wearing. Yeah, it’s a great look. But trying a different necklace, scarf or hat forces yourself to move out of your comfort zone. Come on, people- ‘new’ is chic and fabulous.